accentuate the positive

eliminate the negative...thats how the rest of the song goes. you should look it up on you tube, it is a cute song.

what i am setting out to do in this blog is to do just that - accentuate the positive.

what is true is that i feel like i am being sawn in half right under my rib cage. it is actually a combination of that and taking a hammer to an already very sore organ. i am not sure anymore what organ it is that is sitting directly under the right side of my rib cage, but it does feel swollen and i am pretty sure that the baby on that side of my tummy is rubbing their darling head aggressively against said swollen organ.

so, i am not traditionally a sit down and read books for hours on end while i lay on my side kind of a gal, but this is exactly what is happening. and i have another 6 weeks to go.

in the grand scheme of things, 6 weeks is nothing, really it is nothing. but as i sit at this end of 6 weeks, i have to admit it feels like a long time.

so to stay true to the title of this blog, i am going to review the good things that have happened in the past couple of weeks:

1) Emma (2 and a half) has found her sense of humour - and she is totally cracking me up! last night she grabs a chair, pulls Alina (1 and a half) over to it, sits her down and then stands behind her with the announcement "Hold still Alina, this is going to hurt". then she grabs her hair and begins to pull it back like she is going to karate chop it all off. Of course Alina can sense danger, being the second born, that instinct comes naturally. so she grabs the little chair, holds it behind her bum and proceeds to run out of the room as fast as her little legs can carry her. i was still laughing an hour later. to top it off, emma made up her own words to "if you're happy and you know it" from "clap your hands" to "shake your bum". and then she would wiggle so hard she would fall down. All around, she was a super hyper - super funny toddler last night that brought on a much needed laugh for her dad and i.

2) speaking of bums - the other night, the girls were in the tub, shawn was monitoring - but he went to get their pyjamas ready - and then this glass shattering scream came from Alina. the obvious question "Emma, what happened?". her answer "i bit her bum". and indeed she had. poor kid, right on the fat of her cute little bottom  - a perfect bite mark. life with toddlers is always a funny ride because you end up saying funny things like "Emma, we don't bite other people's bum's". Add that to the list of things you never thought you would say in your lifetime.

3) Shawn has been a gold medal dad - because i can't be a very hands on mom right now. he is in charge of every diaper for alina and every potty time with emma, most bedtimes, all wrestling and then special dates out with the girls so i can have naps. most household chores and the job of nurse to me have fallen on his capable shoulders, and i am so proud of him.  i have loved marriage, but i have never loved it as much as i do now. there is something so amazing about watching a man become a husband, take up the responsibility of a household and a wife. but nothing, i mean nothing compares to watching a man become "daddy".

4) our community has rallied and loved us. we are getting meals and calls with concern, and paper plates so we don't have to do dishes (isn't that a creative idea?). we are so grateful and humbled by the people around us. i have to admit, it is hard to be the needy one for this extended amount of time, but i plan to repay all of this kindness when i get off my couch - so all of you better watch out!

I sure don't mean to sound fake, over-positive, or saccharine. i could write a whole complaining blog, but i simply don't find that interesting. if you ask shawn, he can tell you that i am not always in the best head space, but you and my computer have found me in a good headspace, so why not talk about the good stuff?

stay tuned, we are on the home stretch for bringing two new bouncing baby boys into this world. I cannot wait to meet them!

at least i have feet

here is a little phrase i came up with a few years ago "at least i have feet". a strange thing to say for sure. but it was my way of saying, "even if it is bad, it could always be worse".

i am kind of employing my little phrase more often right now. my insides are still all crazy - still having pain in my ribs/pancreas/liver/gallbladder who knows? bottom line, it just hurts....all the time. i can't play with my girls the way i want to, do normal cleaning and laundry around my house, or pretty much move from my rocking chair for more than ten minutes at a time.  arghhhh! it is so frustrating!

the good news is, i know it is temporary. i may have a minor surgery that could help sometime next week, but worst case scenario - once the babies come, most of this pain should go, and then when i get my gallbladder out, the rest of the pain should end.

it just makes me think about people who are in constant pain, whether physical or emotional. my respect is off the charts. i mean it.

some days it is all i can do to smile and be nice. so what if this was going to be a long term issue? to stay positive, not self absorbed, able to keep up with the daily responsibilities and to not give in to complete lay-on-the-couch-itis, is such an accomplishment.

and it makes me remember again to pay attention when people are hurting. i hate that i get so busy and the first thing to go is compassion. of course i try to keep that as a core principle in my life - but i see how many times i have failed at it. there are simply times when we can't just "suck it up". we need to let people in, and let them help us. if they are willing.

so, of course, i think - am i willing?

i know that i walk by people at church or other places, that i know are hurting inside or out, and i say quick or trite phrases and run along my busy way. or, even worse, i don't say anything because i don't notice or to be quite honest i feel i don't have time to care. God, forgive me.

since i got out of the hospital i can tell that people are afraid to ask me how i am doing - maybe it will take too much time to explain, maybe they will feel responsible to do something about it if they hear what is happening. who knows? but it can sure make me feel like a high maintenance inconvenience for sure. to be fair i worry about being an inconvenience so my feelings could definitely magnify things that are not real.

nonetheless, i will learn again that it is crucial to care when people are hurting. to look them in the eye, to mean it when i say "how are you doing?" and then truly listen for the answer - maybe even offer to be part of the solution.

so, i have feet, and i can use them. the pain is constant, but temporary. and i am learning and re-learning lessons that i would be so wise to build my life on. let's just hope i remember them when my ribs are not throbbing and reminding me of this valuable life lessons.

the gall

i am home. this is such a nice place to be considering the past four days.

it started innocently enough. shawn was going to maple valley (just outside of seattle) for a few days so i was going to go and visit my family in mill creek on monday (also just outside of seattle, just different directions). i have to say that looking back, i might have noticed something was wrong. i was in quite a bit of pain on sunday, but honestly we change so much during pregnancy i just thought it was another preggo thing so i laid down and my pain went away. thankfully, i have wonderful people in my life that were able to come over and help me with my kiddos.

monday morning, still a little bit of pain but nothing like it was before so i packed and managed to get myself and my two girls to my sister's house in Mill Creek. when i got there i told my dad "i just need to stretch out a bit and lay down". the pain had kicked in for real now.

to make a long story short, i spent the next 4 hours writhing on the floor in pure agony - trying to find some way that i could sit, lay or stand that would make the pain go away.

thankfully, shawn was coming up for dinner that night so i finally called him back to the room that i had been in. and we decided that we needed to go to the hospital.

and that began the longest part of the journey. that 22 minute ride to the hospital felt like an hour (at least).   the pain was localized now right at the top of my abdomen, like knives jumping in and out of my tummy. this is not a good feeling when you are pregnant with twins. there was so much uncertainty.

so, they checked the babies first while i continued to deal with the pain i was in - the good news was, the babies were fine and no chance of pre-term labor. the nurse there asked me "on a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level? 1 being a stubbed toe and 10 being 'rip my arms out without anesthetic' ". my answer "9".

then...sweet relief...they gave me drugs. thank you Jesus for drugs (am I allowed to say that?)

we were transported back to ER and they started trying to figure out what was happening with me. so we got into a room and sat, and sat and sat.  my dad came with shawn and i,  and it was actually kind of nice to visit with him while we were waiting for news. i was on drugs so i felt great by then.

by 4 AM we had been pulled into an ultrasound, and i had blood drawn. all to find our long awaited diagnosis...pancreatitis due to gallstones. i had a gall stone stuck in the artery between the pancreas and the gall bladder.

and my numbers were off the charts, literally. the high for the whatever thing they were looking for is usually around 500. mine came in at 46,000. the doctors couldn't believe that i was still functioning. one doctor actually compared what i had been through to a car accident - in other words, very serious.

so, now i have gallstones, isn't that weird?

gallstones are primarily hereditary i was told. had anyone in my family had gallstones? and here is where it was really handy that my dad was there. he said "don't you remember grandpa's ashtray?" ummm, no. apparently my grandfather was so proud of his gallstones that he had them made into an ashtray. thats interesting family news at 3 AM. maybe i will look into that when all is said and done. you never know when you may need a gall stone ashtray.

by 5 AM, they had admitted me, drugged me and tucked me into bed.

at 6 AM the doctor came in to talk to me about the diagnosis and what to do next. it seems that the big culprit on sunday was peanut butter. he said that was like drinking battery acid with what i was facing. that was about how it felt, so it made sense when he said that.

so, there i was, in the hospital - it was so surreal. i missed my girls, and i had tubes and wires stuck all over me. BUT let me just say..the hospital staff was amazing. all day, everyday, they would file through with so much sensitivity and kindness it was overwhelming. they equipped me and cared for me, and made me feel like i was more than a number, but a person that mattered. i loved those people!

the pain is gone now, and i have to eat very little fat - i guess the gall bladder deals with fat and spits it out, but in this case it would also spit out stones. so i will be creative with my cooking until the babies come, then it sounds like i will have my gall bladder out.

it is a marvel to me that we can live without one of the organs we were born with, but they assure me that it can be done. and who knows, i may just make an ashtray out of those stones!

so, that is why i am so glad to be home. my own bed, my own shower, my kiddos and husband nearby. but i will forever be grateful for the team of doctors and nurses that helped me through those 4 days that could have been a whole lot of no -fun.

the best news is that all of our bills will be covered under our travel insurance -whew!

so, that was my week...hope yours wasn't so eventful!

the refresh button

it's a principle we started employing a few years ago in our leadership program, we call it "hitting the refresh button". when we say it, we mean, close your eyes and meet someone again for the first time. forget the hang-ups they had a few months or years ago, look at them again and see if your opinion is still correct without the filter you have been using to look at them.

this is such a valuable concept. it is impossible to re-invent yourself in a room full of people to whom you are a foregone conclusion.

and we all need to re-invent ourselves sometimes. life takes it's pound of flesh, we learn, we grow, and we soften if we are paying attention and staying humble.

i need to look at my friends differently. i need to look at my husband differently. and today, i needed to look at myself differently.

i was thinking today about my strengths and weaknesses (i know some of you think i am weird for doing this kind of thing, but go with me...) and i realized that being organized and a good manager of time used to be a weakness for me - then they moved into the "i am working on that" category - and i can honestly say that now they have moved into the strength category. i am still not great at establishing systems or setting out a great structure - but i am good at making sure that our household runs with some semblance of order and cleanliness and once a system is in place, i can follow it and maintain a pretty consistent environment.

to be clear, i am not bragging. trust me, no one is more shocked about this progress than i am. if only you knew the disorganized mess i used to be. but i need to hit the refresh button and stop scrambling to feel like i was climbing out of the chaos of an undisciplined life. i am not living that life anymore.

this is why words in the heat of the moment like "always" and "never" are so detrimental. it is a death sentence to a person's progress from weakness to strength.

if i say "you are always leaving the house a mess" to my husband, it totally negates the sincere efforts he has put in to help me keep things clean around here. of course, he may not meet my expectations, but if he is trying, then my job is to assume he is actively moving from the column of "weakness" into "working on it". and i need to hit the refresh button.

the Bible is so clear on this in 1 Cor. 13 when we are told that love keeps no record of wrongs.

i find this to be one of the hardest things the Bible asks me to do. I actually hate admitting that because i want to be such a believer in all people. but all of our brains are big storage containers -and we are imprinted with the memories of things people have done as we walk through our lives.

we need to frequently purge our brains and give others a fresh start - and if you are at all like me, you need to give yourself a new start too.

i was talking to a friend about regret tonight. she was talking about some of the decisions that she made in the past and how she wishes so badly she would have done things differently. i am sure we all have scenarios like this. but the truth is, we do the best we can with the information and knowledge we have at the time. would we do things differently now? sure. but that is only because we did it the wrong way the first time.

so, we learn, and we move on and we forgive ourselves and others.

it is a constant prayer of mine: "Lord, let me see people the way you see them. forgive me for the grudges i hold, or the beliefs that i cling to out of hurt, disappointment, or fear. help me to let go of the past and start new in all of my relationships and with my view of myself. "

He gives me a new chance everyday. it is the least i can do to try and do the same for the people around me.

advice

i caught myself the other day.  i was visiting with a new mom and her two week old baby - and i couldn't help myself...i started giving advice like i had been a parent for 20 years. what is worse, i had promised her before the baby came that i wouldn't do that.

that might seem like a strange promise, but i remember being a new mom and being so overwhelmed by all of the input i was getting. so, i decided that the gift i would give new moms would be to hold back on giving them advice unless they asked for it.

but, there i was, asking how the baby was sleeping, how she was coping, and all of the normal questions that you ask a new mom. and to each reply i would give my opinion and, yup, unsolicited advice.

rats.

i was watching her as she was processing what i was saying, in her hyper - hormonal - and somewhat overwhelmed state. and she was trying to be polite, but holding her own in saying "i am going to do it this way". and by golly, that is her right to do so.

i was thinking about it later, and asking myself why i would do this thing that i promised myself i wouldn't - and here is what i came up with:

I have fought hard for those lessons and i want to spare other moms from mistakes, or share the things that seemed to work for me. it is like i have survived a battle and i want to have an audience with those who would value the hard learned lessons of war.

but, here is the deal: she has to fight her own battles, try her own methods and figure out what is going to work for her and her new little baby. and i need to encourage her and tell her that she has what it takes - sometimes i think unsolicited advice can send the message that we don't have what it takes and if we would only do it this way then the baby would sleep better, be potty trained by one, or stop having crying fits.

while some of the advice may be true and appropriate, it is the setting that makes it valuable. a phone call in a desperate time, a question over coffee, or a simple passing in the church nursery that drops the right words into the right moment.

i have had both unsolicited, although well intended, advice and the sought after advice. one almost always  got under my skin and made me question my ability to parent and the other picked me up and helped me feel like i could run again with new courage.

i want to enable and encourage - so i am ready to start again in my discussions with new moms - i will wait for those key words "what do you think?" and then, look out - i will have so much to say!

in the meantime i want the message that comes out of my life,  "momma - you are all over this and you can do it!"

let's just hope i can stick to it. sheesh.

adopted

there is a picture that has been floating around face book, and i just can't seem to shake my need to voice an opinion about it. so, here is the picture:

I am not trying to steal anyone's fun. But i guess i just find this a sad view of adoption. i am not adopted, and since i am not adopted, at one point this may have been funny to me as well... i know that no one would mean any harm by this picture, but i can't seem to let it go. let me tell you why:


i guess i just zoom forward and think - what would emma think if she saw this? what if she was struggling with her identity on the day that she did see it? - would she wonder what was so wrong with being adopted that the baby would be crying like that? i can't stop my mommy heart from protecting her heart. 

every night we pray against rejection, and fear of abandonment. We pray that she would know how much we love her, that we wanted her and that she is so valuable to us. and, we pray that she will carry her story with grace. 
i guess i just cringe when i see this, because i think - is this her future? are these the thoughts and the stigma's that are coming her way? 

yes, i guess they are. 


and you may feel that i am being super sensitive, and there is a good chance i am. but put yourself in my shoes, in Emma's shoes, and see if you respond any differently. 


this is what adoption actually looks like:







an incredibly brave young woman doing the most mothering thing possible - giving her baby the best chance for a strong and stable life.








and here is a little more food for thought: 


We are all adopted. 


If we are in the family of Christ, we have been adopted into it.


So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15


God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Eph 1:5


This is such good news, it is hard to even know where to start. No matter how healthy or admirable our families were when we were growing up, they were all flawed, because humans are flawed. We all screw each other up. BUT - we are ingrafted, invited, welcomed, and adopted into a perfect family that has the promise of all the things that will cause our hearts to rest. 


that means that no matter what we had in our formative years - a father, no father, a mother, no mother, abuse or no abuse, we all get a fresh start with a perfect Father who has perfect intentions toward us. 


and - he is changing my nature into His as i get to know Him more. my temper is exchanged for His kindness and patience. my anxiety is replaced with the trust that He has the best in store for me. the list goes on and on. 


so, each of us has a level playing field. we may have a little more work than someone else to change our reflexes, but we all get a chance to sit at the table of a King. It is His grace and mercy that invite us there, and it is our privilege to spend all of our days with Him, enjoying Him, becoming more like Him.


So, three cheers for adoption. 


It is beautiful, and i am proud to be part of those who have the privilege of receiving a child through adoption. 


i just thought it would be worth putting a different spin on something that we, who come from the same DNA as our parents and our siblings, could have just chuckled and moved on with our day. hopefully you don't mind my little need to bring a different opinion. 

not quite what i expected for valentines day

i have not been sick with the flu since i don't know when...maybe when i was a teenager? but boy howdy! i got hit on sunday with some kind of horrific bug that rendered me completely powerless.

i was out for coffee with a friend, and here was the first mistake of the day...i ate chill for lunch. if i had only known that i was going to be sick i would have definitely avoided that little choice! my poor friend, there we were sitting and visiting and then i kind of knew...something is not right. so i warned her, if i pop up and leave, this is why. and sure enough in a few minutes i was more intimate with that coffee shop's bathroom than i wanted to be.

i HATE being sick. ewww it is just so gross and humiliating.

so, now two days later, six pounds lighter and a few hours of fluids in my tummy, i am getting better. i was a little worried about the two sprouts growing in me so i went to the maternity ward today to make sure all was well and the little ones survived the ordeal of the past few days.  of course, they are fine. the nurses assured me that they take what they need and leave the rest for me. now if that isn't a metaphor for parenting i don't know what is.

my poor husband. he kept looking at me like "i am not sure what to do here". he has been sick once or twice, but i have never been that sick in our eight years of marriage. so, halfway through the day yesterday he just said "don't die ok?". ok, i won't die.

here is the good thing though - when you get sick like that, you kind of have to focus on what is most important, like taking care of yourself and your family. my head had been spinning on quite a few levels for a week or so. i needed to get some clarity on some fuzzy issues, and you know, when just getting  up and walking around is an accomplishment, it makes things come into focus in a hurry.

so, between the very good coffee date with my friend - she brought some great perspective - and focusing on just getting well, sometime in the middle of that, my brain settled down and i have new clarity on the issues that were running like little hamsters in my head. (i am thinking now that i wish i didn't need to get the flu to sort all of this out, but it is what it is)

and for valentines day, i have a day to rest in my house since the girls are at grandma's and shawn is at work. and as for romance, a husband that looks at me when i have no make up on, i am a slight shade of green and says "i love you" - is quite enough for me.

so, happy valentines day all. and just a side note, i still think that valentines is a big scheme to make single people feel like they are missing out. so, if you are single be encouraged - there is much more to romance than a nice dinner out with roses - that is the least of the things you can look forward to once you find someone to love you til death do you part. hang out with your friends and enjoy the memories you have now...they are priceless too.

how is that for a very eclectic blog? here's to health and true romance!