very sweet

i am visiting my family down in mill creek, a little community north of seattle. and i am currently watching emma play with the wii remotes in her own way - more like jump ropes than remotes, but that is a toddler for you. i wish i was as inventive and creative with objects, she can transform their purpose into anything she wants them to be, and she finds everything exceedingly entertaining. no wonder jesus wants us to be like them. as long as she doesn't change it into a noose, i will continue to find it entertaining. she is currently moving toward the noose idea, i will need to keep one eye on her.

so many people wanted to reassure me that i don't look like a grandma, that i thought i should say thanks.  i truly think it is funny, so i am not insulted. but, if i knew how many compliments i would get, i would have said something sooner!

age is a weird thing - for instance, my dad was talking last night about working in the backyard with two "old guys" and i blurted out "that excludes you, or includes you?" which extracted a befuddled look from my 60 something father. "I am not one of the old guys". Hellooo, of course. what was i thinking.

and indeed he is not. and he keeps saying that he is not sure who this "fat old man" is that keeps showing up in all of his pictures.

as i get older, i totally understand that. i am much younger in my mind than i am in my pictures.

but i am glad to be the age i am. i like me much better now than when i was in my twenties and younger. these are the best days of my life. budding wrinkles and all.

but feel free to drop by anytime and tell me i have great hair and don't look a day over thirty, i plan to look younger every year. dressing "age appropriate" is way overrated!

the 40's mom

i went for a walk today with my two daughters. emma, as is her custom, waved and shouted a friendly hello to an elderly woman walking by. "well, hello there" she says "arent you cute?"

this is all standard. emma waves and is sweet to young and old.

it is what comes next that takes me back. she then looks at me and says "is she your grandchild?'

WHAT??

today, of all days, and i just got a great compliment on sunday that i look so young. big sigh.

"no, she is my daughter, and so is this one" pointing to alina in the other little seat in the stroller.

"oh, i'm sorry, grandparents look so young these days"

really? that was a pretty lame covering of your tracks nice elderly lady. well, maybe i should be careful how i throw that word around since she may describe me the same way.

so, that was an awkward conversation. but at the core of who i am, i am settled with being a mom later in life.  i am like....a celebrity! they are all having their kids later in life too. this is what i tell myself when the "g" word is thrown out (which has only happened one other time, lest you think it is a daily occurrence).

i look back on my life and i really have no regrets about the timing of things. i have two beautiful children and the energy to chase them, i have an awesome husband, and a great life. i was able to establish my career before having kids. i have more patience and i think more love to give them at this stage of my life.

so there, perfect stranger that i met on the street today. i am 40, and a mom of two babies,  and maybe more if God wills it. so whaddaya think of that!??!

beside that, i also blog, and i have a cell phone and an itouch that i know how to use - i am one tech savvy, lookin good wanna be granny of two little babies and yes, i love it all.

now, if you will excuse me i need to go and rinse my dentures, change my depends, and chase after my toddler.

romance

who knew that the handsome prince would be most romantic when he whispers those little words in the early hours of the morning "I'll get her this time". and then he proceeds to roll out of bed and comfort our little girl.

who knew that this would be better than roses?

of course i lived under that evasive dream looking for the knight in shining armour. i found him, or he found me, and we are living our own version of happily ever after. hollywood has tricked us into thinking that romance is this hyped up version of sexuality wrapped up in a six pack.

give me a little bit of a belly wrapped up in a gentle heart any day.

we will be married for seven years this april. when i write that, it sounds like a short time. but in that time, we have lived in two homes, walked through two adoptions (one that happened and another that fell through), multiple fertility treatments (some that didn't work, one that ended in miscarriage, and one that ended with Alina Joy joining our family), been ordained as pastors, and watched my beautiful mom lose her two year battle with cancer.

and those were just the big events. that is not even including the vacations, the financial ups and downs, or the day to day running of life.

so, let hollywood keep their collagen filled lips and perfect teeth. they can't touch what we have right here in our mediocre bodies and moderate income.

all of this is to say that it is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis. and all romance flows out of making the mundane an adventure.

we are living our happily ever after. in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, there is no one i would rather spend my days with.

and that, my friends, is very romantic.

i can't help it

i try to not just write about being a mom. some of those sweet people that follow this little page are not in that season, and don't want to know that i think emma is coming nearer to potty training. but i can't help it. it is my life right now, and most of my brain is dedicated to all things mommy. and i love it. yes, i do. even when it is hard, which it is some days. but now, emma can say "porcupine, and octopus" i can hear you all gasping "wow, those are big words for a 17 month old!". i know...that is what i said too. i do have to say though that she is finding her will, and is reminding me that indeed, in our own way we are all "strong willed". that little rascal keeps grabbing alina's soother and heading for the border. seriously it is like lightning fast! she grabs it and runs. she is halfway across the house before i can get her - when did she get so fast?

and alina, well. she is a different baby than emma. emma was kind of a "follow by the book" kid. they said that she should eat, be up for about and hour then sleep for about an hour, then repeat. and that is just what she did, without fail. alina, on the other hand, eats. sleeps. then wakes up. i try to put her on the playmat (emma's spot of choice for hours on end when she was alina's age) and after about 10 minutes she is overstimulated and crying like "hold me or else".

she reminds me of her dad. she wants lots of hugs, doesn't like to be pushed, and can only handle so much at a time. there is no criticism in that. indeed the world will be a better place if she turns out like her dad. i am just saying that she has her own little system.

she smiles now. is there anything better than seeing a little human being using those lovely muscles for the first time? it is hard to believe my heart could get any bigger.

to top it off, when i put emma down every night, i turn out the light and say into the darkness and say my  normal "goodnight honey, i love you"- and now, out of the darkness i hear a sweet little voice "i loo loo".

yup, that's the life right there.

comparison

i woke up with random thoughts in my mind today...

we don't think we do it. we find it reprehensible in others yet it goes virtually undetected in ourselves. the long look down our nose at others with the age old, pharisaical sigh "thank God I am not like that person". 

we don't think we do it.

but we all do it. it is the main topic of many conversations. 

and it doesn't show up in such an obvious way. it comes in different packages - "well, i just wouldn't do it that way", "my kids would never do that- i would never let my kids do that", "can you believe they think that is ok?", and on it goes. 

it feels necessary, almost like we can't help it. but at the core of comparison is a fickle scale that makes me the winner sometimes and the loser more often than not. 

the problem with comparison is that i am not, and you are not the standard. 

i am not the standard for things i excel at - like music, or communication. 

thankfully i am not the standard for organization and living a perfect, balanced lifestyle. 

but no one is. 

it is a mistake for us to use others success or failure as leverage to feel better or worse about ourselves. no human can carry that load.   

so i think the lesson for me is to be the other character in the story - "Oh God, have mercy on me, the sinner". 

I can enforce a standard that i did not create. there is such a thing as right and wrong, but i didn't establish it,  and i must avoid the temptation to use that standard as a tool to puff up my own pride and protect my own self worth. 

i told you they were random thoughts. 

the wiggles

we have new roommates. have you heard of the wiggles? me? i heard of them when my nephew listened to them a little while ago. but now, yes, now, they are a part of my everyday life. they sing me their "toot toot chugga, chugga, big red car" melodies all day, all night.

i am a classically trained musician. i could have beautiful symphonies running through my head, a bit of mozart or chopin. but no, it is the wiggles, this colorful, and demonstrative band of four men, a friendly pirate (do they actually exist?), a dinosaur that eats roses, and a big dog named Wags.

at night, when i am awake, these are the songs that serenade me.

fruit salad...yummy, yummy....

i have heard that they would play propaganda records in prison camps in order to brainwash the enemy. they should have set them to the wiggles tunes, they are forever etched in my mind.

thankfully the agenda of this team is a little more innocent. and for true confessions, i am starting to like it a little. mostly because emma ADORES them.

so, if you are bored or looking for a good way to get swear words, old rock and roll songs out of your head, or maybe "its a small world". this is my recommendation.

oh one of my favorites is on now "quack quack quack - cockadoodle doo"

yup, you can't make this stuff up.

sigh

in love

first day of the new year. 1.1.11. i have been officially blogging for one year. happy blogging anniversary.

and what a year! emma turned 1, alina came early, and we are rich, rich, rich in family and friends.

i have said for years that you pay now and play later, or you play now and pay later. i am just thankful for the paying days, because these are definitely the play days. i told shawn this morning that no lottery could make us richer. he, of course, said..yes it would. but we couldn't be wealthier, and i just am bursting with gratitude.

i am not sleeping, i have no free time, and my personal space has moved to non-existent, but seriously, who cares? i have two, count them TWO beautiful girls to kiss and hold.

the only thing that could make it better is if i was in disneyland waiting to ride a rollercoaster or something.

2011 can only be good.

happy new year everyone!