guilt

one of the things i don't like about myself is that i constantly fight a feeling of guilt. one of the good things about myself is that i like to squeeze the essence out of everyday. one of the bad things about that is when i don't squeeze the essence out of every day and then i feel guilty.

did i hold my girls enough? did i play with them enough? did i teach them? was the tv on too much? were we healthy today, were we outside enough? on and on, you get the picture.

it is probably worry, which is a sin. so that is not good, and i could feel guilty about that too. are you seeing a theme forming here? it is so circular, subtle even. it is a low level whisper that never gives up.

will my kids be obese? will i live for a long time so i can enjoy them? am i a good example? will they respect me?

where is the exit from this train?

my sister, whom i love, is so good at being confident and saying "who cares what people think, you know you are doing a good job" where do you sell that mindset - i am buying.

we heard a chilling story when we were in our classes for adoption. the lady telling the story - an adoptive mom- said she and her adopted daughter were in the grocery store and when she wasn't allowed to have a popsicle the little girl yelled out " you are not my real mom!". i was horrified! what happens if this child that i adore disowns me in front of all the other people in the store?? i told my sister and she laughed it off ..."all kids say stuff like that, Jonah (my nephew) just walked out of his room and said 'i hate you'  and i just said 'you don't mean that, go back to your room' ".

of course he doesn't hate her. he is her son. emma will not disown me, she is my daughter.

the same smart lady who told me that it is better to have the marriage of your dreams than to have the wedding of your dreams, also told me that when she became a mom, she got baptized in guilt. so, at least i am not alone.

now saying all of that in a public forum such as this, i want to clarify: i am not looking for you to say nice things about me and tell me how wonderful i am. i am just saying that we all have our stuff and this is mine. and i am working on it, as best i can. each day, i am looking for ways to silence that little voice in my brain that tells me that i am not enough.

deep breath keri.

the truth is, love never fails. i will fail. we will all fail, but love never fails.

Thank God

when dreams grow up

every woman dreams of her prince, her wedding day, her future children, her dreams coming true. you can't tell me we aren't made that way. disney is making billions on that assumption. most single girls go to weddings and think to themselves "oh, i like that, i want to do that." or "I would do it this way instead", most of the conversation in her head or with her friends for the rest of the day starts with the sentence "when i get married..."

i think the challenge with this wiring is that we spend so much time imagining the event, that the event can swallow the most important thing : that you get married - to a good man - the man of your dreams.

i was in the same boat when i got married. i never imagined that i would be planning my wedding from my mom's hospital room. i never imagined that i would wonder if we were planning a wedding and a funeral at the same time. i never pictured that i would be a grieving bride.

to fill in the blanks, if you don't know, one week after shawn and i were engaged - my mom was diagnosed with cancer. "two days, two weeks, two months to live" that is what the doctor told us. my world shattered. my hopes shattered. this was nothing like i planned. i couldn't have made that up if i tried.

my dream had to grow up.

i had to realize very quickly that the most important thing was not having the best flowers, the most beautiful dress, or the most impressive reception. the most important thing was the strong man who was standing beside me when my world fell apart. this man sat on the floor with his back toward me, holding my hand until i fell asleep on that first night of the diagnosis. this man was my rock and my best friend, the man of my dreams.

a wise woman told me in that season, "it is better to have the marriage of your dreams than having the wedding of your dreams".

and that is just what happened. i did have a beautiful wedding, but it was not what i planned.  it was much simpler. we didn't blow the budget on decorations, our friends and family were our decorations. my mom was there, she was radiant. and we believe that miracles happened that day.

i was talking to a beautiful bride last week. she is getting married in less than a month. and she is feeling all the "perfect wedding" stress. and i handed her all of this, my best advice - you are marrying an amazing man, and no one will remember what colour your napkins were.

everyones dreams grow up - they come true in their own way. in a richer, more beautiful way. they come true in a way that grows us and makes us more grateful for what is true. when the dream fits into truth, that is a dream come true.

simple little things

it never fails to amaze me how my little sighs, little whispered wishes, not even prayers, just seem to happen sometimes. the other day i was baking (not a habit, let me assure you, although i have been on a banana bread kick lately) and emma was interested in helping. i thought to myself, it would be so fun to find her a little apron so she can bake with mommy.

and i thought the other day (maybe even the same day) that emma is getting bored with her toys, it would be nice to have a few more new things for her so she can occupy herself with something other than plastic grocery bags (as she is doing while i write this - they are not over her head, just in case you were worried that i am not paying attention).

then, this weekend, my dad and gloria came up for a wedding and brought me some hand-me-down clothes for the girls along with a new little stroller, a shopping cart, and you guessed it...an apron just her size.

how does He do that?

and how can i miss it? i am sure i do, too often. but this time, i remembered and i was just so grateful. i love surprises and how fun that God loves to surprise.

then later in the week, i was feeling a little overwhelmed, and out of the blue one of my girls offered to come over on friday to watch the girls. this is what she said "you and shawn haven't been out on a date for awhile, how about i come over so you can go out?".

are you kidding me?? you were thinking about us? you noticed that we haven't been out for awhile? people amaze me.

thanks Lord.  really, thanks.

is the plural of derby derbies?

i think that the word derby is way underused. the kentucky derby is this weekend and it just made me think..."derby, i like that word....derby...we don't use that word anymore" i am trying to think of ways to incorporate derby into our lives again.

doesn't it just make you think of cool hats and lower crime rates? i wish i lived when derbys (derbies) were more common. but i think the world was less paved and there weren't enough outlets in the bathrooms.

ok, i will be happy with my era.

but still, i think maybe i will throw a derby. i will have to look up the real definition of a derby. be right back.

ok it is a game between rivals. or it is a little hamlet in england, or it is a cool hat worn by the old gangsters.

this might be challenging. why did they have fishing derbies? that sounds pretty innocent and fun.

i think i will throw a mommy derby. maybe we will to timed races to clean up puke, changing diapers and managing a tantrum all at once.

that doesnt actually sound fun. that sounds like every day life.

nevermind, no mommy derby.

anyway- one baby is crying and one baby is throwing grapes, so i will go and have my daily derby.

if only i had a hat.

disneyland

remember how i said that i procrastinate sometimes? well, right now i am typing this instead of packing. but i just had to say how happy, thrilled, excited i am that we are going to disneyland in two days.

i don't just love disneyland.

I LOVE DISNEYLAND!

we even went there on our honeymoon. i haven't been there since. so 7 years is long enough. now i am taking my daughter and she will see the happiest place on earth. and she will have no idea what is happening, but i don't care. i will know what is happening.

did i mention that i am going to disneyland?

mommy

i hear it every day now. first thing in the morning, if i don't get her, i hear her complaining to daddy - "mommy, mommy, mommy".

there were so many days when i didn't think i would ever hear that word in reference to me. such a sad thought for me. i would never be somebody's mommy.

those were dark, desperate days.

i remember one sunday afternoon, i had just started my cycle (again), much to my disappointment. so, i was trying to process that information. i was late that month, so my hopes were starting to rise - "maybe..." all morning, i sat in church, waiting for help, peace, reassurance... anything to make it better. i had made it through service with my smile on, trying to avoid anyone who actually knows me and knows when i am faking it. when we made it home, i fell apart.  i wept that day, shawn wept with me.

we realized we had been fighting in our own corners. each of us were afraid to weigh the other one down with our sorrow and grief. but we were alone together. each by ourselves, but fighting the same darkness.

there was a party that day for a one year old, and we were on our way. so there was no time for blotchy faces and pity parties. back on with the smile. "i will cry later" i thought.

we were picking up a friend because her husband wasn't able to make it. before we got in the car she gave me a big hug - "I AM PREGNANT!".

my God, i thought i would die.

not because i wasn't happy for her. i was so happy for her. but my heart was raw and i wasn't coping well already. but there we were, in my front yard and i needed to be a good friend and show her how happy i was for her.

looking back now, i am sure i could have told her that i was having one of the worst days of my life, and i was so very happy for her, but so desperately sad for me. i am sure she could have handled it, but i didn't do that. i sat in the front seat and stared at the floor trying to keep myself from having a total breakdown.

then we arrived at the party of 1,000 babies and pregnant bellies.

this was not my finest hour. i didn't say much. i kept to myself - which i am not usually very good at. but this was it. i had nothing left to pray. i had no more bargains, no more deals to make with God. either i reconciled that i would never have children, or i would have to continue on the ride of hope, not knowing whether it would ever turn out or not.

the other day, i was thinking about that scripture "he who hopes in me will never be disappointed" and i thought to myself "he who hopes in my will never be disappointed -forever". i was disappointed in the moment, i was disappointed many times. but not now. now, i am not disappointed.

i won't be disappointed forever, just sometimes, for the moment.

and in that moment, i decide who i will be. will i trust? will i let Him win? will i give in to bitterness and the decay that follows? will rot in my jealousy and rail against my creator?

we won't know until we get there. but i was mad and i did rant for a few minutes and He is a big guy, He can handle it. but, of course at the end of the day i am left with the disciples who said "where else will we go? you alone have the words of life"

i didn't run that part of the race perfectly, and honestly, i am not really looking forward to the playback i will undoubtedly get on judgement day, but i learned, and i am better for it.

and now, two babies later. i hear my most beautiful title everyday. "mommy". and even when it is in that special whiny tone that makes my back teeth  hurt, it is still the most beautiful name i have ever been called.

and today, i am not disappointed.

my gift

everyone of us should have someone in our lives that says "that is not like you". this of course implies that they know you well enough to remind you what you should be like, what the best version of yourself is.

my mom did that for me a few years ago. i am a naturally positive person, but i was surrounded by a lot of negativity, and i was forgetting optimism and getting sucked into the gloom and doom scenario's of life.

and that is when that little phrase "that is not who you are" popped in. and this is exactly what she said:

"you are, and have always been my daughter of joy. it is a gift and you need to steward it. right now you are squandering it, and forgetting who you are"

i am not saying that to say "look at me, i am so positive and happy", but i am saying that each of us were given gifts when we were brought into this world. and there is a thief that is constantly out to steal and destroy it. my gift is to bring the positive side to any scenario, and to look for solutions. by giving in to negativity i have allowed the world around me to snuff my gift and turn me into a grey automaton like the rest of those who have walked away from their gift.

until someone was ready to fight for me. and she did. and then i did. and we all must.

my husband, is another example. he is brilliant - but somewhere, deep inside, he started believing the lie that he was stupid. which is crazy to think if you have spent even a few minutes with him. when he saw the lie and he spoke the truth, it changed him and it is continuing to change him.

so now, i am spending my life with people trying to find their God-given gifts, and then speaking that truth with them so they can offer themselves to the world around them.

and my daughters...well, i know them. and i know what to say when their time comes. they are gifts, both of them, with different stories to tell.

and today, emma's gift seems to be to find every possible way to be within two square inches of me, and to find as many things that she shouldn't touch as she possibly can.

my gift.