a full circle kind of day

i would like to take this opportunity to thank the people who took our chicken, pork, turkey, shawn's runners from our back porch and my ipod, my new yummy cherry lotion from body shop, our movie mania card for the video store, and all of our cd's from our car.  it is true, last week, we woke up to the sad news that we had been robbed. they must have been hungry to take our frozen food - so that is how i was able to let that go. i have to admit that i was pretty sad about my ipod, and my lotion! how strange.

one week later, we have now locked the freezer, replaced shawn's runners, and managed to figure out what to make without chicken. we have emotionally recovered from our loss.

but tonight, around 9:00, a delightful surprise knocked on our door. our friend kyle showed up with a sly smile and a handful of money. WHAT???

our amazing friends felt bad about our chicken loss (actually they felt the worst about my ipod) and they took up a little offering for us. how sweet is that?

so you thought i was kidding when i was thanking the people for taking our stuff...i was being serious. if they hadn't taken all of our stuff we wouldn't have been able to see that beautiful part of our friends hearts. if you were one of our friends that snuck up on us with that fun surprise, and you are happening to read this, i thank you most sincerely.

a nice discovery

i am renewing my permanent resident card so i can stay in Canada. and as i was rummaging through my papers in my "immigration" file, i ran across the vows i spoke to shawn on our wedding day. it may seem strange to find such a thing in my immigration file, please reference the last blog about being an overcoming disorganized person. the fact that i still have it is success to me.

anywho - i was reading these handwritten thoughts that i spoke to my groom on my wedding day and it flooded my mind with so many memories- i am going to type it here as well. that way if i ever forget that "marriage vows" are under "immigration" - i will still be able to read them.

Shawn,

God told me once that i would always be surprised. and you have been the biggest surprise of my life. you arrived in my life as a friend, and you have proven yourself to be one of the kindest, most thoughtful people i have ever known.

on that beautiful day in november you emerged from the shadows and somehow were transfigured from a friend into a question mark - "could shawn harvey be the one i have been waiting for?" the months that followed turned my question into a resounding YES!

Shawn - today you are giving me a wedding ring, but that ring is replacing another ring that i have worn for many years. this ring has been a daily reminder to me that i was set apart for holiness, heroism, vision and restraint. these commitments that i made with this ring kept me walking forward in the darkest times - those decisions demanded a song of praise when my heart was in captivity - those decisions transformed me from the selfish child that i was into a friend of God.

For so many years i have loved the Lord as my redeemer and groom. He has pursued me and provided for me as His bride. Until today the garden of my heart has been shared with Him alone. I have been a garden enclosed. but today, i become your bride. I welcome you into my heart, and everything that i have built with Jesus, i now freely share with you.

Thank you for being my friend, my ally, and my greatest supporter. you have taught my heart to dance again, and i love you. I am so glad that you are the one i have waited for. you were worth it all!

...six years later and i could say all of it, all over again. thick and thin. better or worse. sickness and health. till death do us part.

i love that man.

overcoming over and over

i am a recovering disorganized person. i spent years of my life creating crisis and then cleaning up my own mess. i work hard now to be organized, a good communicator and responsible. this comes easier to some, so this may not make sense to you if you are one of those. for me, making sure my schedule is clear, not double booked or overcrowded, that bills get paid on time, documents are renewed before critical things (like my permanent resident card to stay in Canada) expire - these are all the things i have to spend extra time thinking about because my default position is to forget and then i have a crisis. if you are like me, you may understand, if not, you could be thinking "people like you drive me crazy". yes, i know.

that is the other problem. i like making people happy, so when i do create a crisis, say by not communicating with work about what days i am coming in this week, i am spun into an anxious mess. i hate disappointing people, being the weak link, or feeling like i got my priorities messed up. this is all because i am recovering from being that disorganized mess. i got so tired of saying "i'm sorry, i will change".  i did change, but i created a crisis today and right now my head is spinning with all of the old anxiety.

it is funny to me how we can overcome so much, but one little moment, one mistake and we are flushed right back to the old version of ourselves.

i hate condemnation. there is nothing beautiful about it. and guilt just makes me feel like i have to strive to outrun it. guilt makes us busy. i hate the guilty busy.

so, right now, i am choosing to start this day again. refresh my view of myself. i am not the mess i once was, i have to assume that others see that. in fact, i am pretty sure this is all just in my head and no one else is thinking twice about it.

funny thing about overcoming, it sounds like you would only have to do it once, maybe twice. but time has shown overcoming is a life-long process, and today i get another chance to crawl out of the old me and live in the new.

and i need to be thankful that in Christ, i get that chance as many times as i need it. so thankful i am.

here's to starting over...

everything stinks

sorry it has been awhile since i have written - i was in alberta for about 4 weeks. but in case the news hasn't reached the great big out there, i am pregnant. yup - it finally happened. i am one of those gals who has a little life inside. i still can hardly believe it. i am thankful that i am not experiencing much morning sickness, but there are a couple of other little side effects happening. one of them is that everything stinks. strong smells that don't necessarily stink to others like spicy things, fast food, emma's poopy diapers (well, those actually smell).

it is a strange thing. we had yummy souvlaki for dinner last night, today, i opened the refrigerator and oh! it stunk! couldn't even eat it after that.

but it feels like i have a little bottle of carbonation in my lower abdomen, and i will put up with all sorts of stuff in order to carry and eventually see this little miracle that is growing there.

milk doesn't smell, maybe i will have some more of that.

so excited

well, here is some good news for my little heart.  shawn and i have been a bit stressed about our vacation this year. in shawn's words "i want a happy wife and i want to avoid spending a lot of money". i want that too. but i have to say that "staycations" are just not my thing.  you don't really relax. at all.  i have prayed for a solution. and then....today! a friend here in edmonton was telling us about this little rustic cabin they built near here, and they were saying that they had a heart to loan it out out to friends or people in ministry. then, while we were talking we figured out that we could house swap - they could enjoy our area of the world and its closeness to alot of fun things - and we could enjoy some camping in a little cabin out in the middle of nowhere. yes, just what we need! it is just a little way away from sylvan lake and other cute little towns that we can go and explore on days that we feel like going for a little day trip.

oh, i am so excited to tell my husband that we get to have a vacation!! he is going to be so happy!

the difference a year makes

mothers day is next week. for the past few years, mothers day has been the hardest day of the year for me. it is kind of like valentines day for the single. singles awareness day. i find that days to celebrate a certain demographic of people tends to also highlight those who are not in that group. of course, i never struggle on fathers day - i will never be one. but, mothers day...it used haunt me and mock me. then, every year there was that moment in church when all of the moms stand up to be celebrated. they deserve to be celebrated, but i wanted to be one of them and at that moment is was so, so obvious that i wasn't.

it didn't help that a few years ago we thought that we were going to be parents on that very weekend through adoption and then the birthmom changed her mind. i do not hold anything against her for doing this, it just made an already hard weekend harder. it's kind of "barrenness awareness day".

so, needless to say Mother's Day has not been my fav-o-rite day for quite sometime. and it is coming next weekend.

but this year it is different. so different. so wonderfully, dressed in pink and pretty bows kind of different.

this year, i am a mom. a full-fledge, bonafide M-O-M. I get to stand with all of the other ladies who have passed into the status of motherhood.

i wear my title with great thankfulness and honor - i have had the sleepless nights, the endless poopy diapers, the tears that come with each little milestone, the stretching of my heart in ways i never thought i would experience.

i sat in church last weekend with tears streaming down my face because we were singing the part of a song that says "nothing is impossible for you, you hold my world in your hands". and i was holding emma, my little miracle - saying with all my heart - nothing is impossible for you. You knew the whole time she would be ours, and now she is not just the evidence of things hoped for - she is the substance of our faith, we touch her, kiss her, love her. she is real. she is ours.

so i anticipate next weekend, i won't run from it. but i will never forget the ones who may be sitting there with no little bundle, no one to celebrate their contribution. they will be there, quietly hurting, waiting for the day to pass and smiling when all of the other women stand. i want them to feel seen, understood, appreciated.

so, Lord, help me to see them...more importantly, let them know that you see them, and that you have not forgotten about them - whisper in their hearts "nothing is impossible for Me".  we believe Lord, even when we can't see.

now faith is

i have been troubled. i have been troubled for awhile by a debate in my head about God's sovereignty. there are times, like now, that i am asking God to bend the normal laws for me. I am older - not old - but older than most seeking to have a baby. by the laws of nature, it should be improbable. and at times i think, is it possible? isn't it just a matter of His laws being played out in my body?

this debate started when my mom was sick. can we bring about our own premature death, by eating wrong, living wrong? can we, who love Jesus exercise that kind of power? do we say the day we die? or does he? i cannot, knowing what i know, say that i make that decision. but is it a free ticket to do whatever we want because it is all pre-destined anyway?

it is, i think, like the balance of grace. Paul said "what then, shall we continue in sin so that grace may increase? may it never be!" but do we need grace? yes. does that mean we don't love God? no. emphatically, no. it means that i love Him and i do my best to serve Him, to honor Him. and, He is mindful of my frame. He knows that at best, I will fail and even my most righteous acts must be washed in the blood of the lamb. but does that give me the excuse to live as i please and then throw out my prayer for forgiveness? no, i would not love Him if i lived like that.

i need to care about the things He cares about, but when i fail, and in my humanity I am neglectful of things i ought to really tend, He loves me and came to give me a way back to Him.

i must believe that He is sovereign.

and what is a miracle but the bending of the laws He created to make a way for man?

can't He make a way for me?

Abraham did not waver according to the promise - though his body was as good as dead.

from my devotional: Instead of growing weak, his faith grew stronger, exhibiting more power even as more difficulties became apparent. Abraham glorified God for His complete sufficiency and was "fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. He is the God of limitless resources - the only limit comes from us.

and in the end, it was this very faith that made abraham a friend of God.

and i pray, dear God, give me that kind of faith. that believes you when all the laws of probability are stacked against me. you are eternally able to do what you have promised.

now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.