eternal

i have been thinking the past few days about Ecclesiastes - the part where Solomon boldly declares that there is nothing new under the sun, and that all is vanity. It does, at first glance, seem a bit pathetic - a cynics end to a self indulgent life. he had seen it all, tried it all, had it all. he had women, power, money, influence, etc... and then at the end, to say it is all nothing? it seems sad.

but as i get older, i see his point.

don't get me wrong. i am 100% optimist. i am a painfully "look at the bright side of life" kind of creature. so believe me when i say, it is not cynicism. it is reality.

this life goes by so fast. so so fast.

and we are so so busy.

doing what?

filling our days with work, pleasure, purpose as much as we can find it.

but what remains?

only love.

love is the only thing that stays. and that is the only lasting impact of how we affected the world around us. the things we did out of love are the only things that make it when i leave this place.

i was thinking about this because i was watching a speech by a guy who was talking about what we leave with all the social media, blogging, text messaging, email, etc... he said the amount of information left about us is unprecedented (i know, big shocker, but think about it). he talked about a guy who knew he was going to die of cancer, and he had his friends post his last blog the day he died.

but then what? what happens to all of his other blogs and who will care to read them? only the ones who loved him.

then i thought about all of my silly status updates on Facebook. i wondered how weird they would sound when i am long gone. who is going to care that i didn't sleep well, for like 3 years? I am weird, i know, but this is what i have been thinking about between breakfast and bath time.

i am, as always, determined to live each day to the full - sometimes this thought drives me crazy because i wonder if i am allowed to nap on a day lived to the full - but i also realize that sometimes i am just busy, doing the practical and necessary stuff that i need to do to get by. a life lived in love also includes laundry and dishes. i can't always be the one having significant moments with people - there are times i just need to do the small stuff.

but i am thinking again, what will my legacy be? who will i have been a part of? who will know that i loved them? i mean really loved them? i loved them not because i had to, but because i wanted to.

i hope the message of my life is not that i cared about people because it was part of my job description, but because it is my life calling and the only thing that really matters.

I will still put dumb status updates on Facebook, and i guess it will be up to another generation to figure out what to do with all of this information. i do just pray that in each day i find a way to make another person feel significant, cherished and important.

in the end, that is all that matters.

the potty season

just when you think that you are the craziest person on the planet, you can find someone crazier (i kind of wondered if crazier was actually a word, but the computer let my type and a leave it without underlining it to tell me "that is not a word you crazy lady").

i just read an article that explained how this woman was working 80 hours a week, she would pump her breast milk during breaks between meetings, and then fed ex it home for her baby. um, yeah, that is crazy. crazier than me. phew, i feel much better about myself.

of course i find it interesting that she felt so strongly that she should continue breastfeeding even though she wasn't seeing her child. i wonder what the child would have preferred, her time or her milk? just saying.

long story short, she and her husband sold their house, packed up their three children and are now in the process of sailing around the world.

makes me wonder how much we could get for our house.

not enough, i am sure.

anyway, i am just saying that i do feel crazy sometimes, but i am not shipping breast milk across the country.

i am determined to not post a thing about potty training on my Facebook wall. but i can sure see why people do it. potty training feels more encompassing than finals in university. oh. my. goodness.

today, i asked her every ten minutes if she had to go. "nope", "nope", "nope". then the moment arrives "mommy, i need to go".

you do? oh good girl! let's go in the bathroom.

so we do, and off comes everything and on to the potty.

for two seconds.

then it is the naked sprint around the house - and the expectation that i will chase her little pink bum in circles until i catch her.

but...i fooled her. i hid in the front closet on one of the laps. and i waited for her to find me. i waited, and waited. probably for about 30 seconds, but that is like 10 minutes in toddler world. during that little siesta in the front closet, my darling, relieved herself on my living room rug.

i went to 4 years of university. i am an educated woman. people trust me to counsel them, and keep their secrets. and i was bested by a two year old.

should have seen that one coming a mile away.

"mommy, its wet" she says as she stands over her masterpiece. "yes, i can see that".

heaven help me, this is just the beginning.

so, while i pride myself on not posting this on Facebook - you, my beloved blogging followers will get the rare insight into our journey to train in all things potty. lucky you.

but i do have to say that today, even with the wet spot on my living room floor, was just about as perfect a day as i can imagine. my girls made me laugh, they gave me hugs, we rolled around on the floor, and sprayed each other with the hose. it is never far from me that i wondered if these days would ever come - i know i say it a lot, but i think it more than i say it - i am so thankful that i get to be a mommy, even on the hard days, i wouldn't trade it for the world.

and now, this party animal is going to bed at 9:30 on a Friday. goodnight.

laughing in my sleep

it is crazy when it happens, especially when it happens twice in a week.

i am a bit of a restless sleeper (and i hear my husband and family say "a bit?") i was famous in my younger years for sleepwalking, talking, wandering, bathing - yes it is true, imagine being my parents!

i kept thinking, "oh, i will outgrow it". ummm, still not happening.

in my single years, i would dream that the hotel we were staying in was on fire, so i would wake a room of 3 other girls up in hysterics trying to get them out of the room, while they all tried to gently tell me "um, keri, there is no fire".

if you have followed my blog for awhile, you may remember the night i yelled from my front porch at some young men who were walking by our house in the middle of the night. scroll back if you haven't read it, the story still makes me laugh out loud.

and my husband, dear, sweet, shawn. he never knows what he is going to get when he comes to bed. one night he was woken to me climbing over the top of him so i could go to the bathroom. "keri," says he "why don't you get out on your side of the bed?" "well," says I, "there are creepy men on the other side of me and i don't want to touch them". "ah ha, that clears it all up" he says. of course i was dreaming, and in my dream we were staying in a hostel of some kind and there WERE creepy men on the other side of me. it made perfect sense.

so, this week, twice to be exact, i have been laughing in my sleep. one night, shawn was coming to bed and i was already asleep. i was laughing when he came in to our room, so he is like...."did i say something funny?" but of course i don't answer him, i am asleep. and then, last night, i had a dream that i was at an amusement park with 4 silly girls (who shall remain nameless at this point), we were on those flying swings (you know, the ones on chains that go round and round). they were trying to convince all of their friends to stand underneath us so we could kick them in the head while we went around. you would have laughed too, i know you would have. because they were so serious, and pitching a serious request "just stand there and we will kick you in the head, it will be fine" and then they were incredulous when people would say no.

so, i woke up laughing. and i think i decided today that i must not be laughing enough in the daytime so my mind is trying to make up for it at night. well, mind, stop it. i need to sleep. i hereby declare i will try to laugh more during the day, so i (and my husband) can get some rest.

goodnight.

resting

so we are just finishing up our vacation. we had such a nice time - oregon, washington, dipped our toe into california. vacationing is very different with two babies under two. when i picture vacation, i usually imagine lots of rest, reading, driving and listening to audiobooks with my husband (this probably makes us nerds, but we love it). i picture this, because that is what vacations used to look like.

this vacation did not look like that.

to summarize, the latest we ever slept was 7:30, the earliest morning was 4:30 (with a little nap from 6:00-7:30). emma spiked a fever. so we spent the first few days trying to decide if it was teething or another ear infection. so we took her to the clinic in portland, and sure enough, another ear infection. poor girl, no wonder she wasn't sleeping well. oh, and she puked all over my aunts living room. nice.

so long story short, there was not a lot of sleeping, and not a lot of reading. we would start to listen to books while the girls were sleeping. invariably emma would open one eye and before she could even take an awake breath she was saying "Boz (a big, green bear cartoon), Veggie Tales, horsey (Tangled)."

it was fun, but not very relaxing. fulfilling, full of good memories, but not exactly refreshing.

i found myself daily re-adjusting my expectations. re-writing what a holiday looks like. sometimes it was frustrating - i was tired - some days even more tired than i am at home.

it got me thinking that when i was dreaming about having kids, and i spent a lot of time doing that, i wasn't paying the price to have them. i just wanted them. sure, they would have a poopy diaper here and there and there would be a couple of sleepless nights, but we could handle it.

what i didn't realize was that IT NEVER ENDS! it is not a need here and there between good books.  it is a constant, beautiful, tugging at my shorts "up- a - mommy" kind of world. and the needs just go on and on. i am up more than the sun these days and that is saying a lot where i live.

this promise costs me two things 1) my selfishness and 2) my desire for comfort.

before we had these two little wonders our house was quiet. we would roll over on a Saturday morning at
9-ish, look at each other and say "what do you want to do today?"

we never say that anymore.
we never roll over leisurely and look at each other anymore.
instead, it is a bleary eyed - "which one is it? what time is it? what is going on? who is going? i'll go. no, i'll go. ok, you go" rats.

and it's milk and breakfast and we are off to the races.

it is a beautiful inconvenience. so utterly indescribable how we can be at the very end of ourselves at one moment, then a smile, a giggle a new word or action, and the big ol' "you are the best kid in the world" eraser comes and takes away all of the frustration (well, most of it, until the next time they do the exact thing they should not be doing and then they look at you with that "what you going to do about it face", yeah that frustration stays but the rest of it...you get the idea).

the truth is, i like me better as a parent. i am glad i am not dreaming about a promise anymore but i am living it. i like that i am not as selfish as i used to be, even though it takes a pound of my flesh every time i have to choose them over me. i like that i am learning and teaching patience at the same time. and i love that i get to be the presence that calms things down, makes the room erupt into giggles, and gets the biggest smiles from the cutest little faces i know (and trust me, these are some cute faces!)

this promise is expensive, and i wouldn't have it any other way. we will vacation again, one day. we will miss these days and wonder where they went. so here i am telling myself yet again, to live in this moment, enjoy these days. new days, new challenges will come.

in the meantime, here's to better living through caffeine and knowing where every park from here to oregon is.

this is the life!

complaining and grumbling

i feel the need to complain about complaining.

i hate it.

i hate it in me, and i hate hearing it. it is the language of ungratefulness. it comes right from the rule book of "me first".

when i complain, i know it is because someone didn't put me and my wants first. they didn't think about the way i would want things done, and it just irks me.

this attitude finds its way right to the heavens when i complain about the weather, or the mosquitos, or the way i am made.

i love my niece and nephew, they are darling children (don't be afraid sister, i am going somewhere with this). they are 5 and 8. they are here with us this week to attend our kids camp. like i said, they are kids, and kids don't really mask what they are thinking very well. for instance, i got my hair done on monday and they were here to see it - it is a little different than how i usually do it, the color is a bit more extreme than i usually have it. so abbie tells me "i like your new hair - it looks really weird".

it is candid...refreshing... i don't mind.

i make food for them, and it is different than their food. they liked most of it. and tried to like the rest of it, but there was no mystery when it wasn't their favorite. and in these moments, their parents and their family teach them not to complain and to be grateful. so they learn to swallow their thoughts and "take it like a man".

and we all learned this somehow. to keep it to ourselves, to say thank you even if we don't mean it. i don't disagree with that notion at all. but it is what happens next that has me wondering.

when complaining grows up it becomes grumbling. and grumbling is a whole other animal.

when complaining shouts, grumbling whispers. complaining usually happens face to face, out where everyone can hear it.  complaining is not a virtue to be sure,  it is loud and obnoxious but at least everyone knows that you are the one doing it and they can call it what it is.

grumbling is the shadow below the water, the slow and steady annihilation of a person, an organization or a belief.

grumbling is the beginning of the end to all greatness.

great people, great churches, great societies, on and on. grumbling erodes the confidence of the people and rots the vision from the inside out. the worst part is that the damage is done on the lower levels before any leader gets a whiff of it. by the time the leaders find out about it, the thoughts (whether they are true or not) have lodged themselves deeply into the thought patterns of the people.

it is the questioning of motives, actions and attitudes with our mouth cocked sideways and a low voice "i sure wouldn't do it that way" or "they don't know what they are doing".

that may even be true, but what a gutless way to deal with it. grumbling is what cowards do because they don't want to be a part of the solution.

i hate it when i see the Israelite heart rise up that says "why did you make that one a leader, why not him, or her or even me? Moses can barely tie his shoes, why should we listen to him? give us a try and see how we do!"

let me assure you that it does not go unnoticed. i have seen it in me, and i have been on the receiving
end i dislike both places equally.

it humbles me that God, so holy, would put up with this nonsense generation after generation. Jesus, help us. Lord, let us be builders and not destroyers. Let our mouths be used as tools of life and not death. Let our hearts be ready to mend and not tear down. and mostly Lord, protect your Moses' and those you have appointed. let us learn from them, watch over them and encourage them. forgive us for the times we have been a part of the poison instead of the antidote. make us sensitive to the words we speak and the things we cherish in our hearts. and let us rule, when our time comes, with wisdom and grace. amen

freewriting

when i was in college, i took a writing class. i learned about freewriting there. the idea is to write whatever comes into your head without lifting your pencil or stopping typing. it is a bit scary, but you can get some fun sentences going if you really let yourself go for it. no backspace, which i have used at least 15 times already, and no course corrections. you just let your brain go down a writing path and see what you come up with.

ready....go.

i am writing and watching nothing on tv. oops i have used backspace three times alreday. i dont think i a m goingt to be good at this game. it is like not matching, i doin't think i can leave mistakes, used it twice just then. i am not getting very far onto a thought...hmmmm...today we had jonah and abigail here, they are sellppeeing. emma sn and alina asrre sleeping too. that is nice.

ok, i can't do it anymore. this exercise was effective in teaching me that i am a sloppy typer.

we are trying to watch america's got talent. i am not so sure they do. sorry.

i got my hair done today, it is going to take time to get used to it, it is quite different for me.

and this week is kids camp. now a very gifted yo-yo artist is doing his thing - where else is he going to make it on national television?

so there you go. this is an online journal, and you just jumped in on my very deep 4th of july thoughts.

happy birthday america. you are still the land that i love.

twins

these are some excerpts from a speech I did for a high school graduation last weekend - thought it was worth mentioning. it is a little long, brace yourselves...

eccl 7:2 death is the destiny of every man and the living should take it to heart. 

I want to tell you the story of two sisters, twins actually. their names were susan and sandra. they grew up in Houston, Texas the third and fourth children in a family of five. 

They grew up with the parents who did their best, but unfortunately, the parenting philosophy of the day was to withhold affection. So, neither of the girls heard “I love you” or “I am proud of you” very often. Their childhood years passed with good memories of vacations and all of the things two young children should be doing. Their teenage years, however, took them on two very different paths. 

Let’s start with Susan - Susan, a quiet child with a trace of mischief,  missing the confidence required to walk away from temptation -found herself following her two older brothers into the whirlwind of the 60’s - hippies, drugs, questioning the establishment, free love and all of the rest that the atmosphere had to offer her.

She didn’t really remember much of her late teens and twenties, she spent those days in her own way,  making no real friends, affecting very few. she never married, never had children. she did get her degree in her late 40’s and went to apply for jobs, but by then it seemed that she had missed out on the opportunities that she was supposed to have in her younger years. 

She was a wanderer, her tender heart swallowed in years of bad decisions and living a life without purpose or direction. She never truly found the one thing she was put on this earth to accomplish, she never found Christ. In 2003, her life ended sadly, with a handful of family members to mourn her passing. 

Sandra, on the other hand, had a much different life. She realized early in life that she was happiest with a paintbrush in her hand. She loved drawing and painting and all things creative. Her art was her haven and it protected her from the storm that her siblings were swept into. 

She met and married and very handsome man, Matthew when they were just 18 and 21. On her wedding day, on their way down the aisle her dad kept saying “it is not too late, you can call this off, we can just turn around and go home” - but she knew, this was the one for her. They were young and optimistic, ready to change the world. 

Within no time they were expecting their first of two daughters, Jamie and then 10 months later (yes, you do the math) their second girl was born - a darling little talker named Keri. 

The days to come would be marked by ups and downs, prosperity and financial difficulty, but most importantly love and laughter. They found Christ and lived their lives for the purpose of loving others and giving themselves to see other people succeed. 

Sandy (as she was most commonly known), was at her best when she was sitting and listening and loving the person she was with. “Time,” she would say “is the most precious gift we can give others” 

Growing up, our house was filled with people. Innumerable dinners, house guests and people who lived with us. There was always room for more, there was always enough to go around. 

I am also glad to say that she made the right decision to stay with Matt, since they were happily married for almost all of their 37 years.

Sadly, Sandy, my mom, left us in the summer of 2005. Even in her last days, we would find her comforting people as they came to say goodbye to her. She was telling them that God was good and He was taking care of all of us. We would watch as person after person came to receive just one more of her famous hugs, or hear her beautiful laugh. 

She was not a public speaker, or the most outgoing person, but one attribute stood out above all the rest: she loved people, and they knew it.  

I feel so much compassion for my aunt, who died alone with no one to celebrate her life - and I am so proud of my mom who had hundreds of people at her funeral, and every one of them came to celebrate the joy and the beautiful life that she lived. 

And this is why, graduates, I want you to think about the end of your life. These were twins. Same family, same opportunities, such a different outcome. 

We are all a direct result of the choices we make. 

I will close with three short lessons I learned from my mom, and my dad - who is awesome too and still very much alive. 

1. Be generous - Generosity comes out of our love for God. You cannot out give Him. Don’t hoard your money, your time, your space. Give it away and see how He multiplies it.If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let   your life go, you will save it. Matt. 10:39
2. Assemble your cloud of witnesses - Hebrews 12 tells us that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses - meaning the heroes of the Bible that have gone before us, and they are cheering us on now that it is our turn to run our race.
1. This tells me that each of us need those who will stand with us, challenge us, confront us when we need it, and remind us who we are. 
1. for example, a few years ago, I was starting to get really negative and critical. I am normally a pretty optimistic person, so when my mom spent a few days with me, she noticed this negative trend I was picking up. So, she told me “Keri, you have always been my daughter of Joy - no one can take that from you without your permission. Your joy is your gift, and you need to fight for it.” and i did, and i still do to this day. 
2. my question is: who is in your life that knows you at the core of who you are? who is in your life that will tell you when you are drifting from your calling and your gifting? who do you allow in your life to tell you the truth? These can be parents, leaders, mentors or good friends - but whomever they are -when you find them, hold on to them and never let them go. invite them to challenge you and keep your feet pointed in the right direction.
3. a little side note here - none of us likes confrontation but we need to seek it out, it is the only way we change.

3. Work - work hard.  don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself, making excuses, or blaming other people. The only way to succeed is to look at your life, your field, your race and figure out how to make yourself stronger, and better. don’t ever quit. the only true failure in life is quitting, never do it.